The Great Spork Conspiracy
Originally posted Jan 31, 2005
The following post contains graphic images that some may find disturbing.
Throughout the ages, many forces have shaped the course of human history. None have had such a profound effect, yet remained mysteriously anonymous, like the ubiquitous SPORK. Intensive research has yielded some surprising evidence hinting at a global cover-up. Many historians have scoffed at the theory that the spork has moved silently down through the centuries, influencing world events.
No one knows the exact origins of the spork. This from Wikipedia;
The spork is the descendant of the “runcible spoon” mentioned in the Edward Lear poem “The Owl and the Pussycat”, re-moulded by the science of modern materials. Sporks have been manufactured since, at least, the late 1800’s. The Folgate Silver Plate Company of England manufactured one in sometime between 1875 and 1900.
Also
There are many false rumors about the origin of the spork and the word spork. According to a rumor circulated in the “Spork FAQ”, the spork was invented in the 1940s by the United States Army, which introduced them to occupied Japan. This rumor has all the hallmarks of an urban legend. Virtually every reference to the occupied Japan theory misspells General Douglas MacArthur’s name as McArthur, lending credence to the notion that all these references have a common origin.
The Straight Dope reports that a patent was issued by the United States Patent and Trademark Office for a "combination spoon, fork, and knife" to the Van Brode Milling Company of Clinton, Massachusetts on August 11, 1970. This is incorrect, but the trademark application of the Van Brode Milling Company for the word spork was published on that date.
Another popular Internet rumour describes the spork as the creation of a nameless resource-pressed and inventive Nazi scientist towards the end of World War II. Supposedly, the spork was designed for use with field ration kits issued
to front line troops. No known historical documents validate this urban legend, but it is clearly wrong. Both the word spork and the utensil predate World War II.
Predate indeed. There are some theorists who claim that the spork may even predate written history. Recent advances in the use of forensic science in historical research has uncovered evidence that sporks may have been used to create cuneiform, widely acknowledged as the first form of written language known to man, as opposed to reeds, as was the common theory.
Below are some examples of the graphical evidence supporting this theory:
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An artist renedering of how the spork was used in cuneiform.
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Representations of sporks have also appeared in Egyptian heiroglyphics, dating all the way back to the Early Dynastic Period in 31st century B.C. They have also appeared on Aztec calendars dating back to the middle of the 15th century A.D. Broken remnants of clay sporks have been unearthed at the ancient Incan city of Macchu Piccu.
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Spork found in 13th century B.C. heiroglyphics.
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Some claim there is a secret society dedicated to concealing the truth about the sporks influence in our world. Rumored to have been associated with this Iluminatti type organization have been powerful and influential members of government and society throughout history; Kaiser Wilhelm, Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Winston Churchill, Josef Stalin, Chairman Mao Tze Tung, Howard Hughes, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, the Rockefellers, even Colonel Sanders.
Anyone who was come close to revealing the truth of the spork to the world, mysteriously disappears or dies tragically. Even two American Presidents; Abraham Lincoln, and John F. Kennedy. Photographic evidence also confirms that Lee Harvey Oswald was killed with a spork by Jack Ruby, for fear of him exposing the conspiracy.
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Artist rendering of Lincoln’s assasination, showing how a spork would have been used.
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Kennedy autopsy photo taken before arrival of Secret Service. Clearly shows spork that caused the head wound that killed Kennedy. Also notice the angle of entry. Some believe it originated from the grassy knoll and that the shots fired by Oswald indeed did not kill the President.
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Un-edited photo of Jack Ruby wielding spork that killed Lee Harvey Oswald.
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Even in our recent events over the past 2 decades, unexplained
sightings continue to surface, fueling the fire of conspiracy
theorists everywhere.
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Exxon Valdez oil spill.
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Crop circles in Avebury, U.K.
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Space Shuttle Columbia tragedy.
Government spokespersons continue to deny the existence
of this secret society. They denounce the evidence as hoaxes
perpetrated by conspiracy theorists eager for a little publicity.
The facts are there.
•UPDATE•
Recent evidence has surfaced linking David Hasselhoff to the spork cover-up. Possibly as a member of the aforementioned secret society, and also shedding light to the inexplicable popularity of Baywatch.
Vindication is the sweet paradise that I have been waiting for all these long years. Spread the word young herald. Let them all know the truth. With this I pass the torch to you. You are now the bearer of the great weight that is this knowledge. But remember if you should falter the darkness with engulf us all. Fear not there are others out there, you have but to find them, and with all our support you will be able to triumph. I’ll leave you with this final truth… There is “The First”, it is real, and it’s power can be made to save or destroy, take heed. Go now and spread the word. The world needs you…
Comment by MacSamurai — January 31, 2005 @ 5:43 pm
You fool. How can you expose your family to the dangers of this obsession? On your head be it.
Comment by wired — January 31, 2005 @ 10:24 pm
Check this out:
The king of all sporks!
Comment by 8ZERO8 — February 1, 2005 @ 9:08 pm
SEE! They’re everywhere! And now nearly indestructible!
Thank you for helping to spread the truth.
Comment by k@os — February 2, 2005 @ 4:57 am
Oh my God. You’ve just opened up my mind. Who’s behind this conspiracy? Mongolians, Aryans, Ninjas, Nazis?
Comment by Nolff — February 2, 2005 @ 9:18 am
It is rumored that some, or all, may be a part of that previously mentioned secret society.
I fear for my life and that of my family.
Especially from ninjas.
Comment by k@os — February 2, 2005 @ 11:45 am
It is clear.
I am now a believer.
Thank you.
Comment by ~kimberly~ — February 2, 2005 @ 2:10 pm
I think it’s the goddamn ninja’s.
Comment by 8ZERO8 — February 2, 2005 @ 9:10 pm
Ninjas are the scariest creatures on the planet. Dude, I heard that a ninja killed Zeus, hence bringing about the heretic religions of today.
~A!
Comment by ~A — February 17, 2005 @ 3:55 am
How ninjas have been so obviously overlooked, is a mystery. Researchers have begun looking for more evidence to link ninjas to the conspiracy. Any updates will be posted here. Proof of the general evil nature of ninjas can be found here.
Comment by k@os — February 17, 2005 @ 1:34 pm
truly u are completly wako, being smart u can avoid in the future , to expose your lack of brain just keeping your mouth shout
Comment by juan paco de la mar — April 14, 2005 @ 9:45 am
marry me….seriously….sporks make me happy in the pants…
Comment by lostnehow — October 12, 2005 @ 7:21 pm
…I knew it, someday sporks are going to be the end of the world but people dont beleive, keep spreading the truth.
Comment by squirrel_invader — March 22, 2006 @ 5:12 am
So many thing about sporks didnt know before, just because they look so cute just sitting there all plastic like doesnt mean they are thinking evil devoius things in their little spork heads….i am going to now watch the one i m keeping in my trapper keeper…..thanks for teaching my the dark secret and keep spreading the word….the whole world depends on it….
Comment by murder_mobile — March 22, 2006 @ 2:39 pm
i heared that the ninja have their own secret society in Japan dedicated to the worship of the spork, but this secret society trains them only as soldiers for the protection of the spork conspiracy.
we must seek out and destroy the spork cult overlord and so free the world from his tyranny!
Comment by Colin — May 10, 2006 @ 1:54 pm
We all worship sporks at the coolest thing ever.
Comment by Cool — May 13, 2006 @ 12:23 am
Thanks so much for alerting all these people of the evil of sporks! A lot of people are obsessed with them and now I know for sure why! I myself have been privy to the evil of sporks but never did know how far they reached back in history.
Join SPEW my anti-spork group to fight their wicked malicious ways and uncover The Conspiracy once and for all!
Comment by Reb — May 19, 2006 @ 7:38 am
AHH!!!!! You’re on to us.
Comment by The Max — July 17, 2006 @ 6:59 pm