“He was a poet, a philosopher, an athlete, a linguist, a mystic, a man with deep loyalties and lasting friendships, a priest who laid down his life for his flock,” Boston Archbishop Sean O’Malley told mourners.

For nearly 27 years he guided the universal church, and some say he is destined for sainthood. The pontiff apologized for previous persecution of Jews by the church and for the Vatican’s failure to do more to prevent the Holocaust.

The world mourns the loss of Pope John Paul II.

Little is known beyond speculation about who will be the next pope. Possible candidates include:

• Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger: One of the most powerful men in the Vatican, Ratzinger served for 20 years as John Paul II’s chief theological adviser.

• Cardinal Dionigi Tettamanzi: If an Italian is chosen, Tettamanzi, the archbishop of Milan, is considered the most likely Italian candidate.

Boring!

I smell an opportunity.

This is why I, k@os, would like your consideration for Pope.

That’s right! Yours truly is running for the office of Pope!

Ok. It’s not an elected position, but that’s what you say when you’re campaigning, and I’m campaigning.

Ok. So I’m atheist. But it’s a choice job. I’ll be Catholic for the gig.

If I’m Pope?

No more of that kiss my ring crap. Well, men will still kiss my ring. And ugly women. Hot women will have to kiss the…uh…holy scepter…as it were…

You won’t have to refer to me as your holiness. Holy dude will do.

Budweiser shall replace holy water. And Marijuana will replace the communal wine at ceremonies. Every day at 4:20 pm, Catholics everywhere will light up a fat one. While I’m at it, White Castle burgers will replace those crappy little wafers. Eat, drink, and be merry. Amen.

I will declare it no longer a sin for Catholic priests to have sex with women. Altar boys everywhere can feel safe again. In fact, prostitution shall be endorsed by the church. Hey. Mary Magdalene was a prostitute. She was right there with Jesus man. You know she was totally a Jesus groupie. On that note, all Pope groupies get a guaranteed ticket to heaven.

This will be the new Popemobile.

I will, of course, be naming some new saints. And you don’t have to be dead either.
• Sammy Hagar (This one’s for you 8ZERO8)
• Hunter S. Thompson
• Cheech and Chong
• Those guys from The Boondock Saints
• John Holmes
• R. Lee Ermey
• Stone Cold Steve Austin
There will be more when I think of them. Hot women may achieve sainthood with special services to the Pope.

The Vatican City will be turned into a resort/casino along the lines of Vegas theme casinos, or Atlantis.

One word:
CRUSADES!
That’s right baby let the holy wars begin!
This time it won’t be based on religion. Ok maybe some will. Like Mormons (and in so doing, the entire state of Utah). And Jehova’s Witnesses. Never again shall they shove a Watchtower in my face.

I will determine who is to be invaded and wiped off the face of the earth. Call it Pope’s discretion. The Irish will be my elite stormtroopers. I’ll make Denis Leary a General. In fact, I think I’ll make him a saint too.

France is first. Goddamn French. If it wasn’t for the U.S.A. and Britain, they’d all be speaking German, eating sauerkraut, and wearing lederhosen. Any hot French women who shave their armpits, take a bath, and swear to be Pope groupies will be spared.

So please, contact your local Archbishop and put in a good word for me.

k@os. Pope. 2005.

E nomine patris et fili et spiritus sancti.

If I have offended anyone with this post, please click on the following image.