May 24, 2005
Due to popular demand ( for my blog, 2 IS popular demand ), I present:
Top 10 Sexually Explicit Lines from Disney’s “The Lion King”.
- Oh, no, not the birdie boiler!!!
- Pumbaa, not in front of the kids.
- Here’s the bottom line, our trio’s down to two.
- First, I’m gonna take your stick.
- She doesn’t have to know. Nobody has to know.
- This is just for you and your Daddy.
- I hate dangling!
- That lousy Mufasa, I won’t be able to sit down for a week!
- Lie down before you hurt yourself.
- Slimy, yet satisfying
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Since Priss and Kyle hate the new prequel trilogy so much, I’ve decided to keep my current thread of Star Wars posts going.
Top 10 lines Samuel L. Jackson SHOULD have had in Star Wars.
- You don’t need to see my goddamn identification, ’cause these ain’t the motherfuckin’ droids you’re looking for.
- Womp Rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’ll never know, ’cause I wouldn’t eat the filthy motherfucker.
- This is your father’s lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin’ stormtrooper in the room… accept no substitutes.
- If Obi-wan ain’t home then I don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do. I ain’t got no other connections on Tattooine.
- Feel the Force, motherfucker.
- “What” ain’t no planet I’ve ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on “What”?
- You sendin’ the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that’s all you had to say!
- Yeah Chewie’s got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He’s a wookie.
- Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
- Hand me my lightsaber… it’s the one that says, “Bad Mother Fucker.”
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May 21, 2005
Lucas is a perv. I have not done a Top 5 list in a LONG time. So, to make up for it, I’m posting three Top 10 lists.
The Top 10 Most Sexually Loaded Lines From The Star Wars Trilogy.
Episode IV A New Hope
10. “Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!”
9. “Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?”
8. “Put that thing away before you get us all killed.”
7. “You’ve got something jammed in here real good.”
6. “Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?”
5. “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”
4. “Sorry about the mess…”
3. “Look at the size of that thing!”
2. “Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!”
1. “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”
Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
10. “I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.”
9. “Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?”
8. “There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.”
7. “But now we must eat. Come, good food, come…”
6. “That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.”
5. “Control, control! You must learn control!”
4. “Hurry up, golden-rod…”
3. “I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?”
2. “Possible he came in through the south entrance.”
1. “And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!”
Episode VI Return of the Jedi
10. “Hey, point that thing someplace else.”
9. “I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.”
8. “I never knew I had it in me.”
7. “There is good in him, I’ve felt it.”
6. “Grab me, Chewie. I’m slipping — hold on. Grab it, almost… you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie.”
5. “Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me — now I owe you one.”
4. “Back door, huh? Good idea!”
3. “She’s gonna blow!”
2. “I think you’ll fit in nicely.”
1. “Rise, my friend.”
And what could be the best one of all . . .
“Wedge! Pull out! You’re not doing any good back there!”
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March 20, 2005
In the world of precious metals, platinum is a rare thing. In the world of Hollywood, so are quality sequels.
Here is my list of…
The top 5 worst sequels ever.
1. Caddyshack II
How to make a Hollywood sequel. Take a formula that resulted in a box office success and a great film that will go down in history as a classic comedy. Take away big-name stars, top-notch directing, quality screenwriting, and any originality and cleverness. Caddyshack II.
2. Highlander 2: The Quickening
An epic battle of good vs. evil. Immortal vs. immortal battling through history with the fate of humanity as the ultimate prize. Aliens? What the fuck?
3. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
Superman’s going to put an end to the Cold War. But he must now battle solar-powered-nuclear reactor-man. Super Duct Tape Dude would have made a better villain. At least he was original, had a great costume, and was the result of quality writing.
4. Every Jaws sequel ever made ( Jaws 2, Jaws 3D, Jaws: The Revenge).
I’ve crapped out turds scarier than those sharks.
5. Batman and Robin
Nipples. On the Batsuit. Nipples. At least there was Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl. She was great in…oh…wait.
What’s yours?
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March 14, 2005
Borrowing from High Fidelity, I’ve decided to start posting top five lists. Anything goes from movies to hair-care products. All 4 of you who read my blog regularly, feel free to post your top fives in the comments.
So, without further ado…
Top 5 Romantic Comedies that don’t make you puke.
1. High Fidelity
Of course the movie that inspires the list, tops it. Would probably be some lame-ass sappy chick flick if not for Jack Black. He makes every movie better by his mere presence. Well. Except for Shallow Hal.
2. 13 Going on 30
All it needed was Jennifer Garner in tight black leather spin-kicking some sorry bastard and handing him his nuts on a platter. She did kick some guy in the balls. Just no black leather.
3. There’s Something About Mary
It has the three things essential to make a successful comedy.
1. Ben Stiller
2. A girl smearing jizz in her hair.
3. Ben Stiller.
4. My Fair Lady
No one compares to Audrey Hepburn. Plus it harkens back to a time when romantic comedies were actually funny.
5. 50 First Dates
Adam Sandler. Hawaii. Nuff said.
Hit me up.
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