I need Dr. Kevorkian to ride shotgun with me.
There are too many damn old people on the roads.
They are a hazard to other drivers. Maybe their eyesight isn’t what it used to be. The reflexes are a little slower. Maybe it’s fucking Alzheimer’s. I don’t fucking care. Take their licenses and get them the fuck off the roads. Make them take raod tests whenever they renew their drivers licenses beyond the age of 65. I don’t care what you do, just do something. Sure I’m not getting any younger. Yes it will be me one day. And when that time comes, I’ll have my kids drive me wherever I need to go. I know my limits. That and the fact that we supported their asses for the past 20 years of their life, they can bloody well take care of us for the last 20 of ours.
That having been said, this is what spawned my rant.
It’s my daughters first official day of Kindergarten on friday. Her school is about a 3 minutes drive from where we live, but I have an errand to run so I leave 45 minutes early. Have to head over to our friendly neighborhood medical center to pick a phoned in prescription. It takes me a few minutes to get there, it being only 3½ miles from home. I park in the structure, and go get the drugs . . . er . . . vitamins. It just so happens that the pharmacy is being re-modeled, causing a longer-than-normal line. No big deal. I left myself plenty of time so I should still make it to her school with minutes to spare. And, they have a 30 minute grace period for visitors parked on the structure so I still won’t have to pay for parking.
As I get to my car and and pull out of the stall to leave the structure, I get behind and elderly woman driving her white Honda. Normally most parking structures have a speed limit of about 5 or 10 mph. In her desire to courteous to others and safety conscious, she decides to drive at about 2½ mph.
Through the entire fucking structure.
Snapped this picture with my trusty camera-phone.
It’s driving me crazy, because now I’m starting to cut it close on time for my daughters school AND the grace period for parking. Now there are 2 lanes to exit the parking structure. The left lane is for those of us who pay for the parking, and the right lane for parking cardholders. She rounds the corner and heads down the cardholder lane, so I pull forward to get into the ticket lane. Well, so does she. She misses me by about 2 inches as she crawls her way into the left lane. Only my quicker-than-elderly reflexes enabled me to hit the brakes in time and prevent a fender-bender. Wait. It gets better.
Now she decides to stop just short of the ticket booth. And does nothing. She just sits there. Doing nothing. There isn’t enough room in front of her car for me to go around and leave. So I honk my horn. Wait. It gets better.
The mummy decides to GET OUT OF HER CAR AND START YELLING AT ME! She’s a goddamn fossil for fuck’s sake! It was the only thing preventing me from stepping out with my baseball bat that I always keep in the car.
CORPSE: Why are you beeping your horn?! What’s the matter with you?!”
ME: “YOU! You drive like you’re already dead! Now get the fuck back in your car and get out of my fucking way!”
So the living dead gets back in her car and pulls up to the ticket booth. And sits there. Looking for her parking ticket. Trying to hand everything she finds to the parking attendant. No, that’s your drivers license. No, that’s your medical card. No, that’s just a random slip of paper.
About this point, I tried to commit seppuku with a ball-point pen.
Finally she finds her ticket, pays her parking fee, and inches her way out of the structure. I get there, and the parking attendant lets me go without paying, as it was not my fault I went over the 30 minute grace period. I break numerous land-speed records getting to my daughters school, but I’m still late. By the time I get there, she’s the ONLY one left in class after all the other parents have picked up their kids. At least my daughter’s not a crybaby and kind of just stood there with this look full of diva attitude that spoke volumes. “I’m sorry I’m late honey. You see, there was this zombie . . .”
Anyone knows where I can get a bumper sticker like this?
Due to popular demand ( two ), the bumper stickers are now available at shop.k@oticism! Collect them! Trade them! Show them to your friends!
Image courtesy of Chickenhead via Norsegod.
